Couples Counseling: Strengthening Communication and Building Healthy Conflict Resolution Skills
Regardless of the topics, most couples come to counseling with two core concerns: communication and conflict. It can often feel like you are speaking different languages, that the ability to find a common ground and work through issues is lost, and conflict is both frequent and hurtful. When this continues long enough, couples begin to feel resentment, frustration, and disconnection. The strain on the relationship can feel like it is reaching a breaking point, and that is often when couples seek counseling.
My goals, using methods such as the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and values exploration, are to help couples develop healthier communication patterns and build conflict management and resolution skills that foster understanding, intimacy, and trust. I help couples discover the root causes of arguments, understand the emotions underlying disagreements, and develop tools for productive, respectful and safe, yet vulnerable, communication. This includes helping couples explore the values differences that often drive conflict, and the attachment wounds each partner brings to the conflict.
The Gottman Method: Building a Sound Relationship Foundation
Developed by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, the Gottman Method is based on over 40 years of research into what makes relationships succeed or fail. The Gottman Method focuses on building a strong emotional connection and fostering trust, respect, and shared meaning in a partnership. Key aspects of the method include:
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Identifying and addressing destructive communication patterns like criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling that can erode a relationship.
Building Love Maps: Understanding each other’s world, preferences, fears, dreams, and needs to create a deeper connection.
Turning Toward Instead of Away: Learning how to respond to your partner’s bids for connection and creating a culture of appreciation and support.
Managing Conflict: Strategies for managing conflict in ways that prevent escalation and lead to productive, respectful discussions.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Understanding and Responding to Emotions
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) focuses on the emotional dynamics of a relationship and works to help couples develop secure emotional bonds. EFT emphasizes the importance of emotional responsiveness and connection, focusing on how partners can respond to each other’s emotional needs and vulnerabilities. Key elements of EFT include:
Identifying and Exploring Underlying Emotions: By understanding the emotions that drive conflict (such as fear, insecurity, or unmet needs), couples can gain insight into the root causes of disagreements and work through them more effectively.
Changing Negative Interaction Patterns: EFT helps couples break the cycle of negative interactions (e.g., withdrawal, criticism, blame) by fostering empathy and emotional understanding.
Creating Emotional Closeness: EFT helps partners strengthen their emotional bond, improve their responsiveness to each other’s needs, and create a safe space for vulnerability and intimacy.
Values Exploration
Often, conflicts arise not just from surface-level disagreements but from deeper values, beliefs, and needs that are not being met. Exploring these underlying values is a critical step in understanding the root causes of your conflicts. For example, one partner may value independence and personal space, while the other may value shared experience and togetherness. These differences can lead to tension, but by exploring and respecting each other’s values, couples can work to find common ground and develop solutions that honor both partners.
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Taking all of this together, I hope to come alongside couples so you have improved communication, conflict management and resolution tools, deeper emotional connection, and increased safety, trust and respect. More than that, I want you to have fun together and to feel your partner is the person with whom you want to walk through life.